First 4 pages of my History

[Vanik Hardil]

Well after most of the things that happened between me and The Legion i decided to start writing Neepolito Harnilito's history while it was still fresh in my mind, here is a rough draft of the first four pages, let me know what you think and please vote.

The History of Neepolito Harnilito
By
Vanik Hardil

10/6/2008 7:56:49 Pm Neepolito Harnilito was founded by Vanik Hardil, an American from Ohio one of the states in Northern America.
Vanik Hardil was about twenty-six in age when he got kicked out of his home, his wife divorced him, and took their child away, he was left in solitude; roaming the streets of Toledo Ohio, searching the dumpsters for a few scrapes of food or other valuable material.
One night for warmth Vanik hid upon a train filled with cattle. This would prove to be a good resting spot, for the train pulled away during the night, taking Vanik far away from Ohio. The train headed south; slowly but steadily.
Vanik woke to the train slowing in speed, he seen bright lights through the little holes inserted for air and such, once the his eyes got used to the light, they readjusted to show him beyond the glare and to the building the lights were on, it looked like a airport, and when the train came to a deafening halt, and men ran from here to there, unfastening the train carts, which were rolled upon a big ship, the likes Vanik had never saw before.
For days it seemed the ship sailed on and on, and Vanik was getting tired of hiding in the cart, and as he was about to sneak out to steal a peek of scenery and maybe a bite of food, he heard it; “Land Ho!”
Hours later he was in the cart finishing up the bits of cheese he stole from one of the sailors. The cart was being moved from the ship deck with a big crane which lowered the cart softly onto another train, and was connected by a few men, who were speaking fluid jibber-jabber of which he couldn't understand.
Once twenty-some-odd carts had been attached to the new train it started huffing and puffing great clouds of black as it gathered speed.
Slowly Vanik slipped into a deep sleep, and when he awoke he was surrounded by Burly train workers, one kicked him in the head and he fell unconscious.

Vanik woke up with a bad headache and was hand-cuffed and surrounded by walls made out of bars, he must be in jail.
A man dressed up in a military outfit walked into the room, and Vanik stood up.
“Do you know why you are here?” the man asked.
“No. I just fell asleep in the train cart, and when I woke up I got kicked in the head, and now I’m here” Vanik replied.
“We’ll that train cart you were hiding in, was intended to head strait into the heart of The Legion’s Base,” the man said, with a smile on his face, when he seen Vanik didn’t understand what this meant he continued, “you discovered a flaw in The Legion’s defense, and because of such we were able to set up train stops to stop people and weapons from getting in or out.”
“And this is good?” Vanik asked.
“Yes, very good, in-fact you have been cleared of any and all crimes that have been set against you.” The man declared, and to Vanik’s astonishment he held out his hand, and Vanik shook it politely.
“I’m Vanik Hardil, and you are?”
“Lincoln Grad, one of the leaders of The Legion,” Lincoln stated, “my lad you are in Sweden, I offer to you a chance to build a nation and rule it in any way you see fit.”
Vanik’s eyes widen as he interprets what Lincoln said, “What?!”
“A one in a million chance to start your own nation, one stipulation; you have to join the alliance of The Legion, once you join us, we will give you three million to start your nation,” Lincoln explained slowly and carefully so that Vanik wouldn’t miss a word, “Will you join us and start your nation?”
“I... I will.” Vanik said hesitantly, and Lincoln nodded.
“Now which currency do you want to use?”
“...The Dinar.”
“And your nations name?”
“Neepolito Harnilito.”
“You will be given fifty miles of land about three thousand miles from here,” Lincoln said as he motioned to the guard who came in with him, and the guard come forward and un-cuffed Vanik, “Come Vanik, there is much still to discuss.”

And that is how Neepolito Harnilito came to be; several days later Vanik; a building team; and about one hundred and fifty citizens were brought to the place where Neepolito Harnilito was to be built.
Over several days things were being built and bought and built and bought. In little time Neepolito Harnilito stood. Vanik charged his citizens a low tax of fifteen percent of everything they made, which gave him enough to pay the bills and a little extra for improvements.
Things were looking up for Vanik, until it happened.
On the night of 10/9/08 Vanik’s chief advisor Jay brought to attention a growing neighbor nation; Imperial who was ran by Radaly1. Jay held a strong want to set up war on Imperial, and Vanik being young and foolish did, he declared war.
About a day later the war was finished, there were heavy casualties on each side, and more coming on Vanik’s, for by declaring war he had broken the most sacred rule of The Legion. And within half an hour of the peace being declared between Neepolito Harnilito and Imperial, we were attacked.
South America; Shadar Logoth; and Astraea, all three being nations of The Legion; attacked, and attacked hard, within four days they destroyed major buildings with their missiles, killed thousands of soldiers, disbanded and killed many of my citizens, and worst of all caused loads of riots to break out all over the nation.
On the 10/13/08 Vanik entered surrender agreements with The Legion, and finally they came to a agreement and the hostilities stopped. Vanik and the crushed Neepolito Harnilito was offered back with open arms.
10/14/08 was a happy day, it was the day when South America; Shadar Logoth; and Astraea all recalled their troops, leaving the few remaining citizens at peace and the little remaining buildings standing. But today was a happy day for another reason; today marked the first week of Neepolito Harnilio’s life.
With peace upon them they were left with the burden of rebuilding, no help came from The Legion, no extra workers to assist; no extra little bit of funding to help clean up their dirty work.

[Arcadian Empire]

* Arcadian thinks someone copied the marking schedule from his "Rate My Story!" thread

[laskaris]

For a draft its ok.

[Vanik Hardil]

Originally Posted by Arcadian Empire

* Arcadian thinks someone copied the marking schedule from his "Rate My Story!" thread

marking schedule? "Rate My Story!"? do you mean that one story about that gay guy?

Originally Posted by laskaris

For a draft its ok.

thanks Laskaris, i plan on going back and improving once every 20 pages. this way i can go from "OK draft" to "Awesome draft"

[Lincongrad]

It mentions me. It's awesome.

[laskaris]

He needs to put more depth into the conflict and events building to it.It would have been awsome if he would have GOTTEN MY NATION'S NAME RIGHT!

[Vanik Hardil]

lol i was worried when i seen you didnt vote, also might i add i was only going to put your name as Lincon Grad but my spellchecker just wouldent leave it alone so i put it as Lincoln.

and im glad you like it, and soon you will be re-appearing in it

[Lincongrad]

Heheh. Fair enough.

[Vanik Hardil]

also, whoops Laskaris, when i was writing and checking the names of the nations i could have swore your nation was South America, sorry

[Midas]

Oh boy, imagine how long mine would be if I tried this....

Maybe about 20 pages long, taking 4 days to write?

Anyway, good read. I'd like to see some more added onto it.