HEX, Editors Needed.

[Vanik Hardil]

Hello all! I know we have some talented writers and editors here, and I need your help for a one or two time job.

Currently I am playing HEX (Hogwarts Extreme (http://www.hexrpg.com/)) and I have made it to be a teacher, well part of that is writing up 140 lessons. While I am a decent writer (in my own eyes) I still have problems with grammar and such. I am enclosing one of my lessons that I have completed below, and I would like anyone to come in and tell me what I am doing wrong so that I can learn from my mistakes and hopefully make everyone who takes my class happy instead of having bleeding eyes.. :P

The quicker this is done the better. I have five lessons complete and will need to be edited once I know what I have done wrong, and eleven more classes to write before I am allowed to take a couple day break. All of this needs to be done by the 5th.. >_<

Year: 1
Lesson Number: 1
Date it should be posted: September 12th, 2011
Lesson: How to identify Dark Magic.

- The students all line up patiently by the door of Classroom 12B where Defense Against the Dark Arts is held for all years since there was a nasty accident involving Peeves, a toilet, and an explosion in the old Classroom. This particular day was the start of term, first class with the new teacher; Professor LeMort.

"So what did you eat for lunch?" One student asked another as the soft sound of sole against stone made them turn to look at someone coming along the passageway.

Walking towards them in long strides, a book to his face, the man was tall, slightly rounded in the middle, brown hair that hangs to his shoulders even in the pony-tail that he was wearing it in. When he finally got to the group of students, he lowered the book showing hazel eyes hidden behind shining reading glasses.

Giving the group a searching look, he finally says, "Sorry I am late, please come, and from now on, please; just knock and come in, in case I am late again." He opens the door for them and they file in, he follows them, closing the door behind him.

Flicking his wand at the blackboard the following appears on it.
http://img854.imageshack.us/img854/3451/dada1.png

"I am Professor LeMort, if you feel like making fun of my name, don't." He said plain as day, "I have heard it all before in my travels and it will not make this year go by any easier for anyone, especially not you."

Moving towards the windows he says, "Now before we begin class, here are the class rules." He flicks his wand at the blackboard and the writing disappears and is replaced by the rules.

http://img840.imageshack.us/img840/474/dada2e.png

Turning back towards the class he says, "So, now that is all done, we will be starting this year off with How to Identify Dark Magic." As he spoke the words 'How to Identify Dark Magic' replaced the rules on the blackboard.

"So there is a lot of theories on Dark Magic," he says as he makes his way towards the back of the classroom, "whether you can tell that it is Dark Magic based on Preception or Intent."

Leaning against the empty back desks he says, "Lets toss Perception out, Perception is nothing."
A hand is raised near the front, Professor LeMort asks, "Yes?"

"Why is Perception nothing?" the Hufflepuff asks.

"Good question!" He replies, "For example, just because you perceive your friend throwing a book at a teacher as a good thing, doesn't make it so."

"Oh, so what does intent have to do with it?" She asks as he walks back through the desks to the front of the class.

"Intent is the difference between a lady using a severing charm to keep up her garden, and a dark wizard using the very same charm for disfiguring their victims." He said almost as if comparing the two was like sampling appetizers, though he notices the slight stir of the students.

"Most magic is neutral, and is used to such ends," he lifts his wand and says, "Lumos." A bright yellow light bursts from it and radiates outward of the tip, "Nox." The light extinguishes.
"Spells such as Lumos are neutral, they provide such things as light, heat, and other things," he walks back to the windows, "What Dark Magic is typically seen as is Curses, but that isn't all, Hexes and Jinxes are commonly used as Dark Magic as well."

A hand pops up near the front, it is the Ravenclaw again, "Sir, but you haven't told us how to identify Dark Magic."
"But I have," he turns to face the class, "If it is used negatively, it can be identified as Dark Magic."
Waving his wand at the blackboard the homework replaces what was there, "Simple homework for a first day of class, due by next class (two weeks)."

This was my very first lesson, so if I made horrible mistakes they will likely repeat in my other four, and so I will know what I did wrong.

Please and thank you all.

[Vanik Hardil]

Bump? Please?

[SickLaxBro]

- The students all line up patiently by the door of Classroom 12B where Defense Against the Dark Arts is held for all years since there was a nasty accident involving Peeves, a toilet, and an explosion in the old Classroom. This particular day was the start of term, first class with the new teacher; Professor LeMort.

You can't have two verbs of a different tense like that. Should be lined up, since you use was in the next sentence, and you want to keep the same tense throughout.

Walking towards them in long strides, a book to his face, the man was tall, slightly rounded in the middle, brown hair that hangs to his shoulders even in the pony-tail that he was wearing it in.

I would change it to: "A tall, slightly rounded man with brown hair that hung to his shoulders, despite the pony tail he was wearing, walked towards them in long strides, holding a book to his face.

"I am Professor LeMort; I]f you feel like making fun of my name, don't." He said plain as day, "I have heard it all before in my travels and it will not make this year go by any easier for anyone, especially not you."

Changed your first comma into a semi-colon and changed the capitalization of 'if'.

What you did was a comma splice. You can't connect two complete sentences like that without a conjunction. You can use a semi-colon to do that however.

Moving towards the windows, he says "Now before we begin class, here are the class rules." He flicks his wand at the blackboard and the writing disappears and is replaced by the rules.

Turning back towards the class, he says "So, now that is all done, we will be starting this year off with How to Identify Dark Magic." As he spoke the words 'How to Identify Dark Magic', they replaced the rules on the blackboard.

Added/removed/moved commas. They are bolded. Also added a 'they' before 'replaced the rules' in the second sentence there.

Might have missed some things, but they're minor. No major mistakes (other than the second sentence I mentioned.

[Vanik Hardil]

Thanks SLB, I appreciate the help, but can you explain the comma splice thing a bit more?

I know my babe, Cait says that what I do like this; "I waved my wand at it and it howled," Professor LeMort says showing a wave of his wand, "and he collapsed like a sack of potatoes!" - is wrong, and that either the first quotations should end in a period, or the middle text should end in a period to start a new sentence.

Explain what she means?

[Jooshbox234]

Thanks SLB, I appreciate the help, but can you explain the comma splice thing a bit more?

I know my babe, Cait says that what I do like this; "I waved my wand at it and it howled," Professor LeMort says showing a wave of his wand, "and he collapsed like a sack of potatoes!" - is wrong, and that either the first quotations should end in a period, or the middle text should end in a period to start a new sentence.

Explain what she means?

Look at it without the interjection between the quotations:

I waved my wand at it and it howled, and he collapsed like a sack of potatoes!

You used "and" twice that makes the sentence awkward, for starters, plus both parts of the sentence are two ideas, that can be separated as such:

I waved my wand at it and it howled. He collapsed like a sack of potatoes

"Why is Perception nothing?" the Hufflepuff asks.

...

A hand pops up near the front, it is the Ravenclaw again, "Sir, but you haven't told us how to identify Dark Magic."

Also, you said again, and I assume you are referring to the Hufflepuff that spoke earlier. But you wrote Ravenclaw, who, if I am correct, never spoke before.

[Vanik Hardil]

Look at it without the interjection between the quotations:



You used "and" twice that makes the sentence awkward, for starters, plus both parts of the sentence are two ideas, that can be separated as such:





Also, you said again, and I assume you are referring to the Hufflepuff that spoke earlier. But you wrote Ravenclaw, who, if I am correct, never spoke before.

I see, so when I am writing dialogue I should write it how I would imagine someone talking. Then worry about what they might be doing in between saying things?

Hmm, maybe I should just give these random students names? It would make picking that stuff out easier, and rather than just 'the Hufflepuff' which there could be 12 of, it is 'Mr. Marco' or 'Miss Penelope', it works better don't it?

Maybe give each student a little bio, maybe certain ones will be extra excited about certain lessons? I mean in Ghoul Studies there was a student described in there who recently became extra interested in it, one would guess he had someone close to him pass away.. Give the classroom depth?