The Book..

[Vanik Hardil]

That I am writing.. I need feedback on my plot..

Shortened Version:
A young boy grows up in a small fishing village until he is of puberty.. Then for gold he is sold to a larger city to work on a farm, but they don't put him to work on a farm, they make him into a sex slave (prostitute if you will,) until a rich woman buys him from his owners and gives him freedom, and they fall in love..

The woman turns out to be the queen of the Kingdom they are in, and she kills the King, and upon letting her (puppet) son take over, he boy is brought in as Warlord.. He then gets a proposition from a neighboring Kingdom to turn on his Kingdom in return for becoming the governor type thing of the current Kingdom, and he does it. But the new kingdom kills the queen, and he goes and takes over the Kingdom in a long 25 year war.

Having taken over the Kingdom and forged his own, he looks to become the most powerful King in the world.. But what he doesn't know, is that the real Queen had fled to another continent and began forging another Empire, to destroy the one which sought her death.

Yes.. that IS the shortened version.. I need some feedback.. I know there is a lot of twists and turns in there, and a bit of perversion.. But I would like to know what you guys think as I am writing it out.

EDIT: Oh, and for the record, this is happening on Fappica.. That is right, I got my desktop up and running and have been working on Fappica for a couple days now.

EDIT EDIT: Also, that means that along with story, I will be posting pictures of what is happening in the world, showing how the Kingdoms and such grow and shrink due to the wars and such.

[DanDesade]

introduce alot of S&M in the boys early years. best way to allow for torture/murder etc in the future

*the queen should also look like a man. and when she comes back with her armies she comes back as a king

**and the fishing village is tacky, a pig farm would be better.

***i also think you need a very different take on "warlord". like the fishing village its used to excess.

****i would also open each chapter with a line from a strange book of ethics e.g "it is wrong to steal if you can be caught" and have the following narrative revolve around each ethic.

[Justin The Terrible]

hmm this plot was on Law and Order saturday night...

[Arcadian Empire]

Are you talking from personal experience because I think the best stories come from those :P

That's why my Major Work was of a guy married to a girl named 'Sophie'...

[the rebel]

That's why my Major Work was of a guy married to a girl named 'Sophie'...

:eyeroll:

[Vanik Hardil]

introduce alot of S&M in the boys early years. best way to allow for torture/murder etc in the future

*the queen should also look like a man. and when she comes back with her armies she comes back as a king

**and the fishing village is tacky, a pig farm would be better.

***i also think you need a very different take on "warlord". like the fishing village its used to excess.

****i would also open each chapter with a line from a strange book of ethics e.g "it is wrong to steal if you can be caught" and have the following narrative revolve around each ethic.

S&M?
Why would the queen, which the boy loves, look like a man? Maybe instead, she has a new husband, who is the King, and he is the one who leads the war?
Why a pig farm?
Instead of Warlord, what do you suggest?
Interesting.. I will think about it.

hmm this plot was on Law and Order saturday night...

Really? I don't watch TV on the weekends..

Are you talking from personal experience because I think the best stories come from those :P

That's why my Major Work was of a guy married to a girl named 'Sophie'...

No.. and if I was, I doubt I would even tell you..
And.. :eyeroll:

[Justin The Terrible]

yep some guy sold his kids.. he did it by accident they claimed it was a farm job and that they'd be cared for.. he had lost everything cuz his wife died from cancer.. well there was no farm it was a prostitution ring thingy.. there was no love to it.. but it starts the same

[Vanik Hardil]

yep some guy sold his kids.. he did it by accident they claimed it was a farm job and that they'd be cared for.. he had lost everything cuz his wife died from cancer.. well there was no farm it was a prostitution ring thingy.. there was no love to it.. but it starts the same

Lol interesting.. But things are evolving as I am writing and hearing your guys input..

Instead of just living in a farming village.. he is growing up being molested by his mother in a pig farming village..

Input?

[DanDesade]

1) S&M?
2) Why would the queen, which the boy loves, look like a man?
3) Why a pig farm?
4) Instead of Warlord, what do you suggest?
5) Interesting.. I will think about it.


1) sadism and masochism
2) ties in with the confused childhood the boy has. plus its a better twist when they meet again. helps to destroy maternal love or creates a confused perspective about love
3) pigs have many traits similiar to man. they also have similiar physical attributions. they are also capable of digesting bone i.e you can feed people to them
4) it can be the same position just please don't use the word 'warlord' its so amature
5) think then do :)

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Lol interesting.. But things are evolving as I am writing and hearing your guys input..

Instead of just living in a farming village.. he is growing up being molested by his mother in a pig farming village..

Input?

it should be a pig farm. not a pig farming villiage. the honstead should be far enough away from other villagers to allow for the disturbed and tortured childhood

[Godsaintbob]

Are you planning on make this Robert pickton's pig farm why would it matter

by the way if you don't know who Robert pickton here's the link http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki?search=Pickton

[Vanik Hardil]

1) sadism and masochism
2) ties in with the confused childhood the boy has. plus its a better twist when they meet again. helps to destroy maternal love or creates a confused perspective about love
3) pigs have many traits similiar to man. they also have similiar physical attributions. they are also capable of digesting bone i.e you can feed people to them
4) it can be the same position just please don't use the word 'warlord' its so amature
5) think then do :)

it should be a pig farm. not a pig farming villiage. the honstead should be far enough away from other villagers to allow for the disturbed and tortured childhood

Ah, and I am pretty sure that after being a male prostitute, and having sexual relations with the Queen he would know that it is a guy?

So you want me to have the owner of the pig farm feed the pigs bones?

What would be a good substitute for 'warlord'?
I see what you mean.. But then if he is being prostituted at a pig farm, which is away from a village, then how will he get business?

Are you planning on make this Robert pickton's pig farm why would it matter

by the way if you don't know who Robert pickton here's the link http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki?search=Pickton

Wait, what?

[DanDesade]

Ah, and I am pretty sure that after being a male prostitute, and having sexual relations with the Queen he would know that it is a guy?

So you want me to have the owner of the pig farm feed the pigs bones?

What would be a good substitute for 'warlord'?
I see what you mean.. But then if he is being prostituted at a pig farm, which is away from a village, then how will he get business?

I didn't say the queen should be a man. I'm suggesting she look like a man. when she goes to the new realm to escape her past she adopts the persona of a man and goes on to do manly things ultimatley becoming a king as you've decided. The meeting between the two later would be interesting becasue the queen/king would know the boy but the boy would not yet know the king is the former queen he came to love.

The pig farm is just a great setting consideringall the things that go on there. Depending on how dar or disturbing you want the story to be the pigs could be fed a person. maybe a character who threatens to expose the operation or maybe a family member who commits suicide etc etc.

Word of mouth travels further then a brothel sign. the brothel could have regulars. the child could be sold for concessions the farm/family needs from the local gov/police force or other merchants

warlord options prince, general, commander or some other grand title that relates to war.

[Vanik Hardil]

I didn't say the queen should be a man. I'm suggesting she look like a man. when she goes to the new realm to escape her past she adopts the persona of a man and goes on to do manly things ultimatley becoming a king as you've decided. The meeting between the two later would be interesting becasue the queen/king would know the boy but the boy would not yet know the king is the former queen he came to love.

The pig farm is just a great setting consideringall the things that go on there. Depending on how dar or disturbing you want the story to be the pigs could be fed a person. maybe a character who threatens to expose the operation or maybe a family member who commits suicide etc etc.

Word of mouth travels further then a brothel sign. the brothel could have regulars. the child could be sold for concessions the farm/family needs from the local gov/police force or other merchants

warlord options prince, general, commander or some other grand title that relates to war.

So true.. So true.. Yes.. Thank you Dan..
Any more ideas?

[Godsaintbob]

I'm just saying why would it matter if the pigs eat bones or not and Robert pickton is the worst serial killer in Canadian history, he fed his victims to his pigs.

[Vanik Hardil]

I'm just saying why would it matter if the pigs eat bones or not and Robert pickton is the worst serial killer in Canadian history, he fed his victims to his pigs.

Brilliant!